2013

Who lives here? 17 days into the year... I wish you a happy and prosperous one. I haven't been here for the longest time! I know I have said that too many times. Not that there isn't anything to write... Someimes the energy just isnt there. Also, the memories will be a little less adulterated if I keep them in my mind. I'm still me. Nothing has changed.. Maybe I have grown. Just a little but it is something. I hope all my changes are positive. I may not be the best peron but I try to be the best person I can be. you can't be anyone else except yourself. I make no apologies for that. My family is ok... Drifted from my dad a bit. We all enjoy good health and for that we consider ourselves plenty blessed. My niece calls me Tata. She's beautiful. I love her. She makes me happy with just her little bright smile. Mr. Man and I are strong. We are still doing the distance thing. It's not easy. We try. We do the best of loving each other. Work is ok. It's not meant to be fun, is it? I have leart a lot from my past year at this firm. This year will e another one for learning and growth. There's more I want but I am learning to be patient and expect everything to happen inits own time. I want to get close(r) to God. i guess thatis the first step; wanting. It's almost time to go home.

So Far....

Week 1 of the gym is gone. Out of 5 sessions, I missed 3. 2 of which were not my fault due to familial duties. It's not soo bad.. The little ache I had in my back is gone thanks to little exercises I can do during the day to sort it out. I'm also on a diet that has me drinking a gazillion glasses of water and now my estimated time for ppeing is equal to that of a gestating cow. And too frequent for my liking. The diet requires me to have black tea and two slices of brown bread for breakfast, carrot soup for lunch and grilled fish for supper... This wont be easy. I substituted carrot soup for fruit salad coz where the hell will I get carrot soup? I sure wont make it. The diet is kinda going well so far. Baby steps. Hadn't realized how little water I drink before all this. I think it's already visible on my skin. Or is it just me? To address truancy from gym class, I decided to be going for the 5 am session. It's so quiet and peaceful at that time. Today was my first day. It's 4 o'clock and I feel beat! But I like it. I'll stick to it. If you happen to pop by the gym, dont be surprised to hear my name shouted all the time. I'm quite popular. Mostly because I'm the most unsynchronized person in the room. Hihihi! But I really hate it when we have to exercise to lingala music. Uncool. Masha

For ME

I joined a gym. Actually, I joined around March and gave up after three sessions. This time, I am determined to go the long haul. Paid a whole month's subscription and bought new shoes. I have also acquired a back ache for my efforts. I never had weight issues growing up. In 2010, I worked for an NGO and my jobe required me to stay in lots of hotels, most 3 star and above, so my pallet got... overwhelmed. Then my sister got pregnant in the same year and I was designated food buddy. Yes. Last year I lived alone in Nbo and seeindg as I'm not much of a cook, junk made up most of my meals. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that when I went to donate my blood earlier this year and got on the scale, it shot all the way to 82. The last time I weighed myself in early 2010 I was 63kgs. To cut it short, I'm now obese. As part of my new year resolutions, I resolved to join the gym and shed off the pounds. As I said, that didn't work out. Then mid this year when I had gone to visit Mr. Man in Embu, he asked me if I'd grown bigger since the last time we'd seen each other. It was an innocent question but it stung!!! I have never felt insecure about how I look as much as I did every day after that question. I', 5'5 and I have no clue of my waist measurements. My hips are somewhere in the 38 range and my bust is a staggering 40DD.

First day at the gym (second time around) I went at those aerobics like I was going to die if I did not! Hence the back pain. I looked myself at the mirror jumping up and down.. A ball of fat. I felt ugly that day. My self estem has never been that low all my life. I'm done with feeling sorry for myself. Going to see a nutritionist on the best diet for me. I know I can get to my ideal weight. So far I haven't felt like quitting but when I do, I'll read this and feel encouraged because I am beautiful. Inside and out.

Masha

Take *5

I love this song!

For Mr. Man

In the course of our day long conversation, Mr. Man asked me a question. First I was like 'Da faq'! OK. No, I wasn't. I've just really wanted to say that. Never mind that it is not out loud. I said it, nevertheless. Hihi!

The big question that Mr. Man asked was why I love him. Hmmm.. Allow me to be shallow and first say I love his smile. Yes, that smile. On a more serious note though, I searched for the true answer to this question and I just couldn't find a suitable one.

Babe, I love you for who you are and for who you want to be. I love you because you share your hopes and dreams with me. I love you because you share your fears with me. I love you because you chose me, with all my imperfections. I love you because you say 'we' and 'us' and not 'I'. I love you because I'm the first girl you took to meet your mother. I wont be the only one because you'll take our daughter to her too.

I love you because I can be my true self with you. I love you because I can be weak but you will always be my strength. I love that crease on your brow when I cry. I love how you hold me when we sleep.

Read this:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I do not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

I love you.

Marie

At Cross Roads

Paulo Coelho says in one of his books that the gods reside at cross roads. Ready to help us choose the right path when we pray for guidance.

The toughest bit of a relationship is staying in it. Two people are brought together by their experiences, their similarities, mutual attraction and how effortless it is to be together. Later, this transforms into love. A stronger feeling keeping them together in the exclusion of others, whether married or not.

In the course of the relationship, there will arise a conflict between the two. Mostly coming from their familial backgrounds and also how they each are separate and distinct individuals. Example, I always fault my sister's partner for not placing any importance in celebrating my sister's birthday. I expect a grand gesture from him to her because that is what my sister got in our family. I recently told my mum about it and she told me that he is that way because in his family, birthdays just flew by and in the actual sense, I was bothering him by asking him to go all out for my sister.

Noted.

My relationship with Mr. Man is no different. However from mum's wise words, I now know how to tread when it comes to such. The difficulty I am currently facing is the part where as an individual, I am also in this relationship. Clashes arise. Sometimes it seems my personality is more at fault and that I am the cause of every strife in our relationship. I know that's the position but I can't help but feel that way. Or is it self pity? Or my aloof nature?

Currently, Mr. Man and I have an issue... I really don't know what the issue is though. What I know is I have a smart mouth and the connection between the logical part of brain and my smart mouth were cut along with the fibre optic cable. Maybe that's the issue. Or forms part of it. It must definitely form part of it.

I have very few friends. The few that I have, I hold very close to my heart. I have a bond with all of them which I hope will last forever. Recently, one of these few friends passed away. For some time there, I did not know how to react. Then the tears came, then denial, then anger and acceptance. I could not make it to his funeral but thanks to facebook, I virtually attended it. What hurt most is that this friend was so full of life! So young. Friend to hundreds of people! If only I could touch as many lives as he did! The most likeable person. Where he was, laughter followed. I only had good times wit him. SUre, we had rough patches. But those all went away with a good laugh. I wrote him an email to say goodbye.. I know he wont read it but in my own way, I paid my last respects.

Should this, then, affect my relationship with Mr. Man? I do not see any problem here, do you? What led to my smart answers to Mr. Man was the insinuation that my friend and I were closer than I would like to admit. I don't know the meaning if 'closer' in this instance. What I know is I had good times with my friend. We joked around, had a pet name for each other, listened to a song that always made us giggle and now he's dead.

That is my truth.

I do not know how to handle this situation. Mr. Man and I are somewhere between talking and not talking to each other. I only hope we can resolve this matter and our relationship gets back on track.

O gods at the cross roads. Guide us.


Masha

SMILES

It is 0949hrs, I am sitting in complete silence because I am meant to be reading for my bar exam. However, today is just such an awesome day that I had to spare a few moments to type out something small.

It has been a month since Mr. Man and I have been dating. Typing that out makes me shiver, in a nice way. Also, my heart just went BOOM. Ok, I exaggerate but at least you have an idea of how I am feeling. I am happy. I smile all the time either because I am thinking of him or just how he makes me feel. Sometimes I do it when we’re together and goes like ‘babe, you’re freaking me out’. Ok, he doesn’t, but the look he gives me says that. Then he flashes that smile! That smile can feed me for 100 years!

We talk, we laugh, we share good times, we share good food, we enjoy each other’s company. We’ve fought too. That was the worst day I’ve had in the longest time. Then we made up. YES WE DID! And I cried?! What was up with that? I could see through my tears how that made him feel. Sad. Then he held my face (I love it when he does that!), kissed me deeply and whispered in my ear ‘don’t do that’. It was heavy with emotion though he won’t agree to that, men! Next thing I knew, I felt the earth move.