Fear

It's 1918hrs. I'm listening to some smooth R&B from 103.9 Relax Fm. Totally gets me relaxed. Went to Toi market yesterday and bought (albeit by impulse) a brown suede jacket for just 200 bob! Can't wait to rock it!

Woke up bright and early today, warmed some bath water (I don't have instant shower) and went ahead with the morning rituals. Compared to most people who do most thinking while on the toilet, I do most of my thinking when having a bath. As I ran the bath clothe over my chest, my mind went back 7 years.......

April 2004. I was in on the final stretch of high school. We had closed school for Easter holidays but soon after we went back for holiday classes, being in fourth form and all. I don't know why the school made us go for these extra classes. None of us read! It was usually a time to make noise, have random beauty pageants (ok. It was only one, the title of Miss. Mabenda, don't ask), talking about boys, gossiping, freaking the cateress out her skin and drink a little alcohol. See, no reading at all! And we turned out pretty awesome!

One Saturday morning, as I was taking a shower, I decided to examine my body. I was actually through with the shower so.. Checked out my ass, perfect. My legs, perfect. My tummy, needed work (still does) but otherwise perfect. My breasts: left one, perfect, right one... Oh my God! What was that I felt?

I got out of the shower cubicle completely freaked out!

The rest of the week went by with me in a daze. I didn't know what to do. Who to tell. I didn't have a phone to call home. I decided to wait for the next weekend when we were to go home for a break from the classes.

When I got home, I did not know how to tell my mother or my sister what I had felt. I don't know why. Maybe it's because all that was going through my mind was 'cancer'.

As opening day drew closer, I wished to have the courage to tell Ma. My sister had noticed how I wasn't my usual self and asked what was wrong. Then the river of tears broke! She was confused! She hugged me and told me how everything would be ok... Love my sister :-)

Hours of crying later, I told her what had been bugging me.

'I have a lump in my breast'.

Those weren't the exact words. If I was to say it exactly as I said you might laught at me :-)

So the cat was out of the bag. Mwe (my sis) froze. She just stood there for like 3 minutes looking at me. In retrospect, that was freaky. Then she turned, suddenly, and went to Ma who was in the sitting room and told her the news. Ma called for me. I was still crying. She asked me to show her where the lump was, I did. Then she did something I have never ever understood.

After feeling the lump, Ma rose from her sit, said nothing and went to her bedroom and locked herself in there for about 5 minutes.

I don't know why she did that. It's still a mystery. One thing about Ma, though, is that you will never see her at her weak moments. Never. So I guess this was one of them. I'll never ask her to confirm or deny.

The following afternoon, Ma took me to Aga Khan hospital to be checked out. We were referred to a pathologist. This made it was! Isn't a pathologist for dead people, I thought. So I was essentially dead! Ha! My mind at 18.

The pathologist was an Indian lady. She didn't seem to care much about this scared little girl in her office who could possibly be facing death. She felt the lump and motioned to the nurse to take us to an exam room. The nurse, young and friendly, told me to take my top and bra off then the doctor.. eh.. PATHOLOGIST... explained what she was going to do. I've tried to remember the name of the procedure but I can't. Drat! There goes my chance to sound smart!

So I lay there. Holding Ma's hand. Topless. Then the doctor brought out (from nowhere, I swear!) a very very very extremely long needle. Yes. She was going to use it to get a sample of the 'mass' for testing. Did I say the needle was long?

She told me to relax (how now??!!) and ever so slowly the needle pierced the soft skin on my breast and when right down to the 'mass'. Meanwhile, I was a mess. Crying like I had never cried before. I squeezed Ma's hand so tight that I almost broke it. The pain! I have never experienced such intense pain in my life! I remember I kept saying my Hail Mary's... On and on and on and on..

I do have the words to tell you how much pain I was in.

Results of the test were to come out the day after next. I didn't want to hang around Ma. Looking at her just made me cry more. So I went home. Still crying. Even in the matatu... I got home to more hugs from Mwe. I was on zombie mode.

To cut the long story short, I was cancer free. When I got the news, I went to church, knelt and thanked God for my life. I have never been so relieved! That evening is when dad found out. The look on his face when he heard what I'd been through :-( For the first time in my teenage life, I sat on daddy's lap and got one of those hugs daddies give :-) Everything was ok again.

Years later, I have not yet found the courage to have the lump removed. It's still non-cancerous though. This is after watching a feature on how a Kenyan lady had gone for such a routine procedure and wound up dead. Something to do with the anesthesia. Planning to have it taken out soon though.... Like before I get my first child.

My grandmothers both died of cancer, breast and cervical to be exact. I know I am highly predisposed to any form of cancer. Yet to make peace with that. How can I? Currently, cervical cancer is the number one killer of Kenyan women... That is some scary shit.

It's 2040hrs. In between typing this, I have cooked supper and done some housework. Can you see the 'S' on my chest?

Masha.